Last night, on my way home from work, I stopped off at the ol’ grocery store to pick up some necessities. Like cat food. And dinner.
Since I was only getting a few items, I grabbed a hand cart and started off through the store with my hastily scribbled list. Of course, I ended up with a few other things than were on my list and, by the time I’d finished, the hand cart was pretty well overloaded and was leaving a permanent mark on the crook of my arm. The regular check-out lanes were pretty busy with people who, from the looks of their carts, were engaging in their weekly/monthly shopping trip.
As I only had “a few” items, I decided to go for the self checkout lane.
The following is a rough script of what transpired…
Self Checkout Scanner: Please scan your first item
Missynation: [scan] [puts item in bag]
Self Checkout Scanner: Please remove item from bag.
Missynation: [removes item from bag]
Self Checkout Scanner: Please place the item in bag.
Missynation: [glares at machine; places item BACK in the bag.]
Self Checkout Scanner: Please scan your next item
Missynation: [scan]… [wait while holding can of parmesean cheese over bag]
Self Checkout Scanner: Please place the item in bag.
Missynation: [placed item in bag; scans next item; puts next scanned item in bag – I’m not a slow lorus for crying out loud…]
Self Checkout Scanner: Please remove last item from bag.
Missynation: I really don’t like your tone… [removes last item from bag]
Self Checkout Scanner: Please place the item in bag
Missynation: Really? It’s ok now? [places item BACK in bag… waits]
Self Checkout Scanner: Please scan your next item.
Missynation: [audible sigh; scans milk carton]
{at this point, the bag is pretty full, so I pull the first, full bag of the bag holder thingamajig and put the milk carton in the new bag. I move the first, full bag to the side.}
Self Checkout Scanner: Please place the item in bag. Please remove item from bag. REMOVE UNSCANNED ITEMS FROM BAGGING AREA.
Missynation: There are no unscanned items in bagging area. It’s just the first bag of crap you’ve already scanned. Drop the ‘tude…
Self Checkout Scanner: Please wait for assistance {at which point the screen goes blank and a big clip-art picture of a cashier appears on the screen.}
Missynation: I don’t need assistance. I just need you to let me put the milk in the bag! [I pick up the first bag and put it on the side]
Self Checkout Scanner: {kinda with a smug voice} Please scan your next item
Missynation: {under my breath}self-important scanner machine
Self Checkout Scanner: Please wait for assistance.
Missynation: Aw, come ON! I DON’T NEED assistance! I just need you to back off and let me scan my items and them put them in the bag at a normal speed!
Self Checkout Scanner: {pause} Please place item in bag
Missynation: {glare… pause… glare some more}
Self Checkout Scanner: Please place item in bag
Missynation: don’t push me…
Self Checkout Scanner: Please scan your next item
{now, I’m down to the big bag of cat food… then I’m done. Free from the tyrancial machine with the trumped up attitude of self-importance}
Missynation: [scan big bag of cat food]
Self Checkout Scanner: Please place item in bag
{now, the bag is so big that there’s no point in putting it in a bag, plus, it won’t fit in the bag I am currently “working on”, so I just put it on the floor.}
Self Checkout Scanner: Please place item in bag.
Missynation: [sigh] I don’t want to put this in a bag.
Self Checkout Scanner: Please place item in bag. [pause] Please wait for assistance.
Missynation: NO! I will NOT wait for assistance! I don’t NEED assistance! It’s a big bag of cat food! No bag! Bad scanner. Let it go!
{I should note that at this point, I glanced behind me to see three other people waiting in line for the next evil scanner marvel of technology to become available. Two of the people looked at me like I just escaped from the looney bin and I swear took a tiny step backward. The third guy, who I should note was carrying in his arms a box of Hot Pockets and a bottle of Cabernet, just smiled at me and gave me a knowing nod…}
Self Checkout Scanner: Please wait for assistance.
Missynation: [gives in and shoves the bag of cat food into a plastic grocery bag. Said plastic grocery bag then rips.] HAPPY NOW?????
Self Checkout Scanner: Please scan your next item.
{as I am now done scanning all my items, I finally find the “Pay Now” button and mash it on the screen out of frustration.}
Self Checkout Scanner: Please wait for assistance.
Missynation: [glares at screen and smug scanner]
Self Checkout Scanner: Do you have any coupons?
Missynation: If I did, I sure as hell am not going to try to use them here with you. [gently taps big “No Coupons” button]
Self Checkout Scanner: Please select your form of payment.
{I was actually able to make it through the rest of my transaction relatively unscathed, except for at the very end, when the little piss-ant machine had to get in the last word}
Self Checkout Scanner: Please remember to take your receipt. Please remember to remove all your bags.
Missynation: [picks up her three bags and the ripped one with the cat food in it gives out and the bag of cat food falls right on top of Missynation’s foot] Sonofa…
So, yep, I’m now that girl that gets into fights with inanimate objects (and, apparently loses) and yells at the self checkout scanner in the grocery store. Next time you see me, say hi!
